10 Signs Your Nightclub Sucks

Here they are.  10 Signs to look for if you suspect your club might suck. In no specific order and without further ado…   

1. No Lines, Empty Rooms

The most obvious visual cue – there is no queue.  A bumping nightclub boasts a line at the door, a crowded dancefloor, and a VIP list featuring high rollers and the who’s who of the contemporary nightworld.  Your doorman is bored, your list is nonexistent, your dancefloor is visible, and your tables are uninhabited.  Your club sucks.

2. Single-Sex Representation

You look out and see a sea of chicks on the dancefloor, or a bunch of dudes standing around watching the door.  Your club sucks! 

Good clubs attract a healthy mix of male and female.  These coeds don’t stand on opposite sides of the room either.  They get up close and personal on the dancefloor and in the dark corners. You need to do something stat to attract the other gender, or else the sex you’ve got there will stop coming. 

Exception: Gay Clubs

3. SmartPhone Action

Clubbers are making eyes and getting handsy… with their phones.

If your clientele are more interested in reading a blog or texting an ex than soaking up the scene they’re standing in, suck it to ya! 

Not to say you don’t want to see phones anywhere on the dancefloor.  [Segue to our next sign…] 

4. Lack of # ing, Checking-In or Making Appearances

If it’s not happening on social media these days, it might as well not be happening.  So, yes, you want to see phones out for quick camera flashes and posts on Instagram, Facebook, and Snapchat. You want clubbers checking in on Facebook and Swarm and making Appearances on SocialNightlife.

It’s a sucky sign if your club’s not getting any love on social media.  Your patrons must be old, out-of-touch, or embarrassed to be there.

5. DJ One and Done

You book one of the best DJs in the biz.  When you try to get him back, he’s not available.  At all.  Ever again. 

In truth, if he’s that good, he may actually be booked for the foreseeable future.  But if he spins at another club in your city while his manager is blowing you off, DJ One and Done has a message for you - your club sucks.     

6. No regulars

Any club can get a good crowd when the red carpet’s rolled out and the hype’s at it highest -- at the opening.  But the true test of how cool your club is can’t be graded until the newness wears off. 

If the people love the music, the décor, the drinks, the service, and the atmosphere, they’ll be back and they’ll bring their friends. You’ll get resident bodies parked at the same table every Saturday. Your regulars will bring out-of-town guests, they’ll recommend your club to their co-workers, and they’ll no doubt be there on their birthdays. 

In other words, if you never see the same face come through your door more than once, it must be because your club sucks.

7. The media says so

Your phone’s not buzzing and your inbox isn’t chiming with media inquiries.  Your club’s not featured [positively] in any of the local nightlife or travel guides.  Lists of the best nightclubs in your city surface – yours ain’t on any of ‘em.

Bad press?  No press?  What the suck?

8. The people have spoken

This is the 21st century when people air their opinions out online.  And if millenials are of the opinion that your club sucks, they’ll be sure to say so.  Look on Yelp, TripAdvisor, Foursquare, and SocialNightlife.  Read the reviews and listen to what the people have to say (within reason).

9. Bailing Bartenders

You can’t keep good staff behind the bar.  After a half dozen bartenders quit on you in a few weeks time, take note.  It’s no coincidence.  Bartender quitting epidemics don’t plague successful clubs. 

If your club didn’t suckity suck, your bartenders would be basking in the reputation of working at your club, enjoying their jobs, and raking in the dough.  

10. No Keeping Tabs

You’ve got a decent amount of clubbers there, but they’re not dropping their credit cards.  If your club didn’t suck so badly, you’d have customers laying down the plastic to book tables and buy bottles, or at the very least keep the cocktails flowing at the bar. 

If they’re paying per drink, they’re not sold on the scene and not committed to sticking around all night. 


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